Fruity Darkness: A Tragedy in Three Acts
Scene: A local grocery store, produce department
Alphagal, sniffs, prods, and examines various fruits and vegetables as SNG and e-baby wander amlessly, singing along to the in-store music.
Alphagal: Ooh, these grapes look pretty good. But you never eat grapes. The pears are nice, too. But we had pears last week and I made jam so I'm sick of pears.
SNG: ...feel the beat of the rhythm of the night, dance until the morning light...
Alphagal: Oh, HERE we are. Strawberries are buy one get one. Do you think you'd help me eat strawberries?
SNG: Sure, I like strawberries. Do You Like Strawberries, honeybunny? Hm? I Bet You Would if You Tried Them! Ooh, I think I'll chew on your toes now!
E-baby: LA! LALALA! DE! DA!
Alphagal: Well, you'd better be sure because it's buy one get one on 2-quart baskets. And it isn't worth getting just one. They're not half price. It's strictly buy one get one.
SNG: Awoogawooga. Yeah, I'll eat a few strawberries. Just don't get too much stuff! We always get too much and then we end up throwing something away.
Alphagal: Better to have too many fresh vegetables in the house than not enough.
Stranger: Oh, aren't you sweet!
SNG: No, honeybunny, don't grab those onions. I don't think you'd like them.
Alphagal: I'm getting the strawberries. And these ranier cherries are on sale so I'm getting 2 pounds of them as well. Will you eat them?
SNG: I like cherries.
Scene: SNG and Alphagal's kitchen
(the baby is crawling into the refrigerator and pulling things off the shelves as SNG and Alphagal put away groceries)
SNG: Hey! We already had cherries!
Alphagal: I know, but they were black cherries
SNH: But I would have eaten them if I'd known they were here! Why didn't you tell me we had cherries?
Alphagal: Same reason I didn't tell you we have sliced mozzarella-- I figured you could look in the fridge and see it for yourself.
SNG: But they're in the produce drawer!
Alphagal: Yeah? And? Isn't that where produce lives?
SNG: Yeah, but I don't go looking in there for something to eat! You've got to tell me to eat the cherries.
Alphagal: You were with me when I bought them!
SNG: That doesn't mean I know they're there! You have to remind me to eat produce or it'll go bad.
E-baby: (smacking together two jars of jam) Bla! Bro! Bra! Huh! Hee!
Alphagal: Well, we also have the fresh blackberries I picked on our hike yesterday right on the counter and you haven't eaten them yet.
SNG: I didn't know we still had any left! I would've eaten them! You've got to tell me...
Alphagal: They're right next to the sink. Don't you ever look at the countertops?
SNG: No. Hey! There are BLUEBERRIES in here, too! When did we get blueberries? We have too much fruit.
Alphagal: (Gravely) Do you think I should make a cobbler?
SNG: (equally gravely) Yes. It's the only right thing to do.
Alphagal: I can pit some cherries and makes a cobbler of cherries, blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, a little splenda and jiffy mix.
SNG: Mmmm I like cobbler.
Alphagal: (peering into oven) This is ready. But e-baby needs a bath and tonight is hair-washing night.
SNG: (Mock fearfulness) Oh no! Not hair-washing night!
Alphagal: And she had a little diaper rash so she gets extra naked time.
SNG: I'll make some salmon and roasted veggies while you take care of that.
Scene: The next morning. Kitchen is spotless. Baby is trying to open the refrigerator door.
SNG: OH! We forgot the cobbler! It's still in the oven!
Alphagal: OH! Oh WOE IS ME!
SNG: Oh SADNESS!
Alphagal: Oh DARKNESS!
SNG: It smelled so GOOD! How did we forget? I even ate ice cream!!
Alphagal: Me too! Well, soy-cream. And it was a healthy cobbler! Mostly fruit and no sugar. I PITTED CHERRIES BY HAND!
(Aphagal and SNG fall to floor in front of the oven, weeping. Curtain.)
OK, it could have been worse. At least we remembered to turn off the oven, so we could eat it for breakfast this morning. But it wasn't warm from the oven anymore.